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#10daysof2020 Reason 6- I discovered what kind of mother I wanted to be

A heart to heart, between you and I.

I have always been a mom, being very caring and loving to those around me. The kind of girl who would drop by just to say hi and deliver a fresh batch of homemade muffins. The kind of girl who will always make sure some delicious snacks are available when you pay her a visit, who will also make sure your glass is full, both in the figurative and literal way.

I’ve heard countless times that I would make a great mom, however, I never wanted to have children. I always sensed that I would not go down that road in life. Let me tell you that publicly sharing the non-desire of having kids, comes with its share of debates.

I have been pushed around. It amazed me, how some people took the right to criticize and invalidate my words and decisions just because they had a different perception of how I should live MY life… I pretended that it wasn’t affecting me for years, but I was living in uncertainty and a need for answers was growing inside of me.

Last December, life forced me to get the bottom of things. I experienced a 2-month rollercoaster of challenging and confusing emotions. After going through the process of asking myself a thousand questions about motherhood, I finally realized that I did not want kids. This revelation came along with a deep and satisfying sensation of peace. I, although, in a humble and compassionate manner, reserve myself the right to change my mind at any given time.

I recently gave a deeper meaning to that question, and I came to the conclusion that indeed, I wanted to be a mother, a mother to the world. I want to dedicate myself to become the best version of myself every day, in order to be present, to reach, and take care of all the people who will cross my path, in the a way that I would do for my own children.

I wish to share this theory of mine: when you truly, madly, deeply believe in and understand your core values, desires and emotions, what people say or think is no longer affecting you, and the need for validation vanishes.

I hope you were able to read between my lines with an open mind, and that you’ve perceive all the beauty I wished to introduce into this piece of writing. I Dare you to allow yourself to feel the way you feel and be okay with it, to live and let live, and most importantly, not to give anyone the right to invalidate your feelings nor your being.

Thank you 2020 for enlightening my doubts,

With love and respect,

Ashley xx

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